Open Letter From My Cats

Our three cats were especially annoying this morning. Instead of feeding them the bad food, I thought I would give them a motive. So here it is.

Dear Humans,

You’re lovely, really, just the swellest, but there are a few ground rules that we need to review:

First, we run this show. Just get that down. I know, I know, we are really good and letting you pretend to be in charge but you’re not. This is our house (thanks for getting it bee tee dubs!) and we let you live in it without scratching your faces to death because we choose too. We can easily choose not too. Cats are carnivorous and you are meat. So lets just understand who is in charge here.

Second, stop taking pictures of us. We get it, we are cute. WE KNOW. But if I see one more lens in my face you will lose your hand. And maybe your spleen. Oh yes, we know where it is. Why do you think we paw at you? To comfort you? A little kitty massage? No, it’s to find weak spots in your feeble human body. And we know where they are.

Third, we sit wherever we want. On your favorite pair of black pants? Ours. On your lap when your trying to get up? Ours. On the computer your typing on? The table? Your dinner plate? Our butt belongs there. It is ours.

In summary, we own you. You were put on this earth by the generous cat goddess to feed us, house us, cuddle us– WHEN APPROPRIATE AND WANTED– and tell us how pretty we are. By kitty law, we must be kind if you perform these duties and respect that we let you live only if you provide for us. So stay in line, humans, We don’t want to kill you. But that doesn’t mean we aren’t capable of it. Watch it hoe.

Love and affection,

Paul Newman, Martian, and Chaos (the kitties)